


Sound Effects and Overdramatics

by Eliza_Bella_xx



Category: My Chemical Romance, The Used
Genre: A Lot Of Fucking Angst, Drug Use, Intoxication, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2017-06-19
Packaged: 2018-11-16 04:15:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,738
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11246121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eliza_Bella_xx/pseuds/Eliza_Bella_xx
Summary: Already over a month had been spent crammed into the tour buses like tins of human sardines and it was starting to get to everyone, even those who loved tour life. They were musicians and this is what they lived for, but there was a limit.This tour was different - it was so much more intense, relentless, and draining, and some of the most fun Bert had had on any tour so far.Days off were rare and hotel nights were non-existent, so it was up to the individual to make the best of their time off and what little personal space they had on the tour buses. This was easier said than done when the bunks felt like caskets and the seats were only just big enough to seat everyone at breakfast, but somehow tonight the stars had aligned in a weird kind of way.---*---A Gerbert oneshot.Beta read by Beckett/cemterydrive on tumblr. Dedicated to the gerbertfucker420 squad.TW: Drug use/intoxication, vomiting.





	Sound Effects and Overdramatics

 

 

Already over a month had been spent crammed into the tour buses like tins of human sardines and it was starting to get to everyone, even those who loved tour life. They were musicians and this is what they lived for, but there was a limit.

This tour was different - it was so much more intense, relentless, and draining, and some of the most fun Bert had had on any tour so far.

 

Days off were rare and hotel nights were non-existent, so it was up to the individual to make the best of their time off and what little personal space they had on the tour buses. This was easier said than done when the bunks felt like caskets and the seats were only just big enough to seat everyone at breakfast, but somehow tonight the stars had aligned in a weird kind of way.

The next day was a day off from tour, meaning everyone was off to spend the night in whatever city they were in. Bert had given up trying to remember where they were; he'd been mentally one day behind schedule for most of the tour and never bothered to greet the crowds by the name of the city they were in, and it wasn't like he was in charge of getting them from place to place. The only thing he was really aware of at the moment was the fact that his throat felt like he'd swallowed a jar of tacks.

The others were all cleaning themselves up and looking for clothes that didn't smell too much like sweat, piss, and beer; Bert was sat, face like thunder, with a glass of honey and hot water in the hopes it'd stop his voice from being entirely lost before the next tour date.

"Are you sure you don't wanna come with us?" Jeph appeared from around the corner, shirtless and hanging off the edge of one of the bunks, "You don't normally give a fuck about a sore throat."

Bert didn't bother turning his head, and instead shifted his eyes only, looking up from the magazine on the table to his bandmate.

"I'm always up for getting fucked up but I've not felt this shit for along time, and I seriously need to, like, look after myself. A vocalist is useless if he hasn't got a fucking voice."

Jeph raised his eyebrows, "I don't think I've ever seen you actually concerned for your health before. It's weird, dude."

Bert didn't even dignify Jeph's comment with a response and instead returned to reading his magazine.

It was true that he hadn't shown this kind of concern for himself before, especially not over something as small as his voice, but he could blame that on Gerard Way.

The Used and My Chemical Romance were close, like sibling-bands, Bert had even done backing vocals on MCR's newest album, and Bert loved being around Gerard. They were both fucked up in their own ways, and they shared in their destructive behaviours. It was a recipe for disaster really, but for a while it had made Bert feel like he was less fucked up. The longer they spent together though, the more Gerard revealed about himself and his vices.

Bert did drugs, it wasn't secret and it wasn't something he felt he had a _huge_ problem with (others might disagree) but Gerard scared him sometimes. Gerard scared him with what he took, how much he took, and how little he cared. More than once Bert had seen someone - usually Frank - shove their fingers down Gerard's throat to make him throw up whatever he'd taken.

Gerard was like a living breathing warning of what happens when you stop caring, so Bert was trying to care a little more.

 

"You're not gonna catch anything or go mute from one night out," Branden reasoned, striding into view from behind Jeph, "Just come out with us and don't overdo it?"

"Nah, I'm staying here," Bert leaned back and looked at Branden with defiance, "Like, no offence, but I could do with some time away from you lot. One night where I don't have to listen to you assholes jerking off before I go to sleep would be nice."

Jeph smirked, glancing at Branden before licking his lips and looking at Bert, "Gerard's gonna be there."

Bert scowled at him, really not appreciating Jeph's suggestive tone.

"Gerard Way is the last person I wanna be around right now, thanks."

He picked up his magazine now, half hiding his face from view while still giving Jeph a pissed off glare.

A shout came from somewhere further back in the bus, "Does he really think we don't know?"

"Suck a dick, Quinn," Bert yelled back, his temper slowly getting shorter and shorter.

"Come on, we all know you've had your hands in his pants at least once. _At least_."

"You can suck a dick too. You can fucking suck each others dicks," Bert threw a pissed look at Jeph and shuffled out from behind the table, heading towards the door, "I'm going for a walk."

What Jeph has said was true; he and Gerard had slept together, but that was none of their business. They'd messed around on tour and at parties too, he would really rather not discuss it in such crude terms with his friends.

He fooled around with a lot of people in all honesty, but that's all it was; fooling. It wasn't serious, and he could talk about it and laugh about it with people in a 'Guess whose dick I grabbed today' kind of way, but with Gerard it was different.

With Gerard he didn't want to brag about it. He didn't want people to watch like it was a voyeuristic comedy, or turn it into another crazy tour story, and he didn't want people taking it as a joke. It was - or could be - something serious. At least he hoped so.

 

He hauled the bus door open and jumped out into the dimly lit lot where they were parked up, fully prepared to storm off into the night if it weren't for the tall and broad torso that he walked straight into.

Bert stumbled over backwards, trying not to lose his balance by grabbing desperately at anything to hold onto, ending up grabbing hold of the stranger and pull them down with him.

They landed on the asphalt with two heavy grunts, Bert's anger fusing with embarrassment and making him just generally annoyed as he dragged himself back to his feet and dusted himself off, muttering some apologies.

"You alright, dude?" the stranger asked, their voice immediately allowing Bert to put a name to the body he'd collided with.

"Oh, Ray... Yeah yeah, I'm fine. You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm alright," Ray nodded, his hair bobbing along with the motion, "Where you going?"

He ran his hand through his hair and shrugged,"Just... Needed some air. Why're you over here?"

"I thought us guys were going out with you guys tonight? Uh, well... We were supposed to be. I thought you knew?"

"Yeah, yeah sorry. I'm gonna sit this one out, I'm not feeling too good."

Ray frowned, seeming to get even more confused over the situation, "That sucks dude, but uh, I don't think we can go out anyway."

"What, why?"

Ray sighed and shifted his weight, putting his hands in his pockets, "Gerard's got fucked up again. We can't take him with us and we don't wanna leave him by himself."

Bert's heart sank in his chest. It wasn't like he was going to see Gerard tonight anyway, but it hurt to know that Gerard was in a bad place yet again.

"Oh... So you're all just staying behind then?"

"Yeah. Frank's already made him puke up whatever he took but he's still pretty out of it. I just don't wanna leave him alone and have him fucking overdose or something."

The word 'overdose' made Bert's stomach twist in a sickening way, and his heart picked up its pace out of worry.

Before he could even think what to say, Jeph and Branden were stood on the steps of the bus.

"Ray, wassup dude?" Jeph hopped down and came and stood beside Bert, "Thought we were come to your bus?"

"Yeah, I'm sorry but we can't come out tonight. Gerard took a bunch of Xanax again so we've gotta babysit him."

"You can't bring him with us?"

Ray looked taken aback, "Fuck no. We'll be lucky if he's in a fit state to sing by the next show."

"I could stay with him?"

The three others turned to look at Bert, who almost immediately regretted saying anything. He shuffled awkwardly and tried to play it cool, shrugging.

"I mean... I was planning on staying here anyway, and if it means you guys can have a good time and not worry then I can keep an eye on him?"

Ray has a look on unease on his face as he hunched up his shoulders, "He's... He's in a pretty bad state right now, are you sure you wanna deal with that?"

On the inside, Bert was screaming with a pathetic need to look after him and make sure he was okay, but on the outside he managed to stay calm.

"Yeah, it's fine. Really. I've seen what he can be like, and I've gotten myself in some shit before," he laughed nervously and scratched his nose, "I'm sure I can deal with it."

"Okay, well... Come on, just come with me," Ray took a few steps back in the direction of the My Chem bus, still not seeming entirely certain, "You can see what he's like for yourself before you make any solid decisions," he looked over at Branden and Jeph, "See you guys in a bit."

Bert trudged after Ray, heart hammering in his chest as he hoped that Gerard wasn't as bad as Ray was making him out to be.

The buses were only parked a few spaces apart, so it was a short walk. Bert stayed silent, as did Ray. It was a solemn kind of silence, both of them knowing it was a serious situation and not knowing what to say, but also being far to used to this kind of situation and knowing there was nothing that could be said.

 

Inside the bus, it was tense and quiet. Bob was sat at the table, jigging his leg up and down anxiously; Mikey was stood near the doorway to the bunks, arms folded and worried-looking; there were quiet voices coming from further inside the bus, and Bert could only assume it was Frank and Gerard.

"Hey guys," Ray greeted his bandmates, "Bert said he could come keep an eye on Gerard if we still wanna go out."

"Hey," Bert saluted Mikey and looked over to Bob, greeting him with a short, "Robert."

"Robert," Bob replied, nodding in his direction.

"Is Gee still in his bunk?" Ray walked past Mikey and into the bunks, leaving Bert stood awkwardly in the small open space by the door.

Mikey shifted awkwardly on the spot, "Yeah, pretty sure he knows he's fucked things up though."

Bert took a few tentative steps in the direction Ray had gone, and Frank and Gerard's voiced finally clearly met his ears. Frank sounded tired but calm, while Gerard's voice was tearful; he was crying.

Ray stepped to one side, standing just behind Frank, and gave full view of the scene to Bert.

Frank was stood leaning on the edge of one of the bunks, one hand reaching inside while another pale hand hung limply from inside the bunk. The closer he got, the clearer Bert could hear Gerard's shaky breathing and involuntary whimpers.

"You puked most of them up though, it'll be okay," Frank said, stroking Gerard's forehead, quickly looking over at Bert and offering a small smile, "Look, someone else has come to bitch at you."

Frank stepped out of the way and signalled for Bert to come closer, which he did. He was nervous but putting on a convincing front, until he saw Gerard laying in the bunk and the heartbreak became obvious on his face.

Gerard was a mess. He was still in his stage clothes, the white shirt and tie crumpled, stained, and looking two sizes too big over his defeated looking frame. His makeup was gone apart from some black that was clinging to his lashline, though he was just as pale as if he'd been wearing white face paint. His eyes were red, cheeks wet with tears, his nose was streaming and his mouth was hanging open as he tried to steady his quavering breath. He was a mess.

"Gerard..." Bert sighed, his face softening as he looked at the sorry sight of a man, "What the fuck did you do?"

This just set Gerard off on another round of crying, his face crumpling as he dissolved into tears.

"Ber-ert... I-I'm so s-so-orry-y... I r-really-y-y fucked u-up..."

Now it was Bert's turn to cradle Gerard's head and try to calm him down, "Whoa hey, Gee, it's alright. You don't have to apologise, I'm not mad at you."

"Y-you're not?" Gerard asked, the most desperately sincere Bert had ever heard him sound.

"Nah, I couldn't be angry at you. You're a fucking dumbass, but I'm not mad."

Beside him, Ray explained to Frank, "Bert's gonna sit tonight out and he said he could stay here with Gerard."

"Bert, you sure about that?" Frank asked, sounding uncertain, "I mean... I know you've seen him when he gets bad, but you've not dealt with the comedowns."

Bert didn't look at Frank, he just turned his head in Frank's direction and spoke, keeping his eyes on Gerard, "I know, but I've dealt with _my_ comedowns and I know what works. He'll be safe with me."

Gerard smiled weakly at Bert despite his tears, and Bert managed a small smile in return. He turned to Ray now, hoping to appeal to the good nature of the most sensible man in the room.

"I know I'm not the fucking patron saint of sobriety, but I know how to deal with this kind of thing. Just go out, have a drink, we'll be fine."

Ray frowned and looked to Mikey, who was still stood watching from a distance. Mikey caught his eyes and, surprised, looked away and kicked at the carpet a little, then shrugged.

"I guess it's okay... I mean," he glanced at Bert for a second, "I know you wouldn't let him get hurt. And anyway, Frankie's sorted the worst of it, you'd just have to keep him company."

"So are we going out or not?" Bob piped up, everyone else seeming to have forgotten he was even in the room with them.

The four of them looked between each other, then at Gerard as Ray asked, "You alright with that, Gee?"

Gerard sniffled and looked at the people stood around him, then nodded gently, "Yeah, I-I wouldn't wanna ruin you guys's night or anything. You go... Go out. Me 'n Bert'll be fine."

Bert smiled, watching Ray, Frank and Mikey relax a little, resigning themselves to the fact that, sometimes, he could be trusted.

"Okay," Ray sighed, backing out the the bunk area, "Come on guys, let's give the guy some peace. Bert," he turned around again and pointed at the younger man, "You've got my number, right?"

"Uh... I have Frank's, but Gerard's got your number in his phone. If anything happens I'll call one of you."

Ray smiled and clapped his hands together, making Mikey flinch, "Alright then!"

 

Five minutes later, it was silent, just Bert and Gerard left on the bus. Frank had been more reluctant to leave than even Mikey had been, but they all eventually headed off the The Used's bus, shutting the door behind them and leaving the bus in quietude.

Gerard was still in his bunk, the sniffling and tears thankfully having stopped, and Bert was perched on the edge of the opposite bunk.

For a few very long minutes, neither of them said anything. Bert didn't really know what to say; this was the most private and personal time he'd spent with Gerard this entire tour and, even though he'd been hoping for a moment like this, it hadn't come about in the best of ways.

"Hey... Hey Bert," Gerard murmured, only just loud enough for Bert to hear. He stood up so that he could look into the bunk, immediately finding Gerard's bloodshot eyes.

"What's up?"

"Why're you here?" Gerard asked, clearly confused as a frown crept over his face; now that he wasn't crying, he seemed more out of it than Bert had expected, "Like... Ev'ryone else's out havin' fun, why'd'ya wanna stay here with me?"

"'Cause... Someone has to keep an eye on you."

"Yeah, but... Frankie was gonna stay, 'm not your responsibility."

To Bert's ears, this sounded ungrateful, but he had to remember that Gerard was still not himself. Plus, what he'd said earlier was true; he couldn't stay mad at him.

"They all deserved a night out, and I was staying behind anyway. Couldn't have you pissing everyone off when I could've helped out."

"They're not really pissed off at me, are they?"

"Nah, you just scared them, that's all," Bert smiled and reached into the bunk again, sweeping some of Gerard's hair away from his slightly sweaty forehead.

Gerard closed his eyes at the contact and smiled a little, sighing heavily as he shifted around on top of his covers. He rolled from lying on his side to lying on his back and suddenly tried to sit up, immediately hitting his head on the underside of the bunk above.

The sound of skull on wood made Bert jump, flinching away from Gerard as his head fell back onto the pillow with a groan of pain.

"Aah... Fuck. That was stupid."

"Are you okay?"

Bert's voice was higher and more concerned than he had expected to sound, but he didn't think Gerard had noticed, as the older man was now struggling to roll over and get out of the bunk.

"'M gonna be sick."

How the others had managed to get Gerard into his bunk in the first place was a mystery, but as he helped Gerard clumsily clamber out, trying not to let him fall, Bert decided on their behalf that it had been a bad idea.

Bert tried to support Gerard and stop him from toppling over as he stumbled down the narrow corridor to the toilet, but he moved too fast. He bounced off the walls a little, before shoving the door to the cramped little room open and falling to his knees, immediately retching into the toilet bowl. Bert leaned over him, trying to gather up his greasy hair and hold it out of the way, but while Gerard knelt there heaving for a good while, next to nothing came up.

He eventually gave up, resting his head on the toilet seat and catching his breath, spitting into the bowl as his whole body shook. Bert knelt down beside him, stroking his away from his face and rubbing his back.

"Gee, you need to drink some water. At least it'll be something to bring up if you gotta puke again."

"I don't wanna puke again," Gerard groaned, his face sweaty and somehow paler than before. He looked up at Bert, eyes heavy as his mouth hung open, still panting. It was pitiful.

"I know, baby," Bert cooed, putting his hands under Gerard's arm and helping him to his feet, "Come on, let's get you something to drink."

Gerard was way too out of it to notice the way Bert's face heated up when he realised what he'd said; it'd just slipped out, but he wasn't about to correct himself, he just hoped Gerard didn't think too much of it.

 

Bert helped Gerard back down the walkway to the small kitchen table, where he slumped into the seat, putting his arms on the tabletop and his head on his arms, while Bert fetched him a bottle of water from the refrigerator.

Bert had never called Gerard 'baby' before, and it wasn't that he didn't know to feel about it that was bothering him; he knew exactly how to feel.

It wasn't a secret that he was an affectionate person - everyone was 'babe' to him, especially when he was drunk or high. But he was always hesitant to use those kinds of words with Gerard, despite the fact that they were so close to each other. It had always been a casual thing when they'd slept together those few times (twice - Bert had kept count), but Gerard mattered more to him in a way that made him not want to say anything he didn't mean. It had been confusing for a while but he had reached a conclusion eventually.

Gerard was just as fucked up as he was, but when they were together, Bert felt normal. Sober, drunk, high, alone, in a crowd, wherever and whatever, Gerard took away Bert's loneliness... And he had no fucking clue.

Bert had dropped hints, and even outright told Gerard this twice before, but it had either been dismissed as intoxicated bullshit or forgotten once Gerard had sobered up, and it was both a relief and a disappointment.

 

As Bert set the bottle of water down in front of him, Gerard mumbled something against his sleeve, lifting his heavy head to look at Bert.

"Huh?"

"I said," Gerard swallowed dryly "I didn't mean to."

"Didn't mean to what?" Bert slid onto the seat beside Gerard, the older man not moving over too much and staying close to his side.

"Take all the pills. Well... I mean, I _did_ but like... It was an accident. I jus' wanted to sleep."

Bert frowned, not really knowing what to say. After a moment he picked up the water bottle and unscrewed the lid, putting it back in front of Gerard with an encouraging, "Drink up."

Gerard took the bottle and raised it to his lips, taking small sips at first but quickly draining half the bottle, slamming it back down on the table and sloshing a little of the water out.

"Okay, yeah," he panted, "You were right about the water."

"I know," Bert leaned on the table, mirroring Gerard so they were looking at one another, "I know how to deal with this shit. You probably do too but you're too shitfaced to manage it."

"'M not even that shitfaced, motherfucker," he grumbled, laying his head on the table again, "I just feel like crap."

Bert sighed and, out of impulse, reached across and moved Gerard's hair away from his face. Gerard looked up at him, one eye shut, with a miserable expression on his face.

"You wanna talk about it?"

Gerard thought over Bert's question for a few moments, then sighed, "I'm just tired."

"Tired? You're tired so you thought you'd just down a bunch of pills?" Bert scoffed, moving his hand away from Gerard's hair and sitting back, "Everyone gets tired, but people aren't nearly overdosing left right and center, are they?"

Gerard rubbed his eyes and pulled a face, hard to read between the intoxication and the crying, "I don't mean... 'I wanna sleep' tired, I'm just... I wanted everything to stop for a while, you know? I just wanted to take enough to knock me out, but" he sighed and rested his head on his arms again, not looking at Bert now, "I... I worried that 'cause I take 'em so much, I'd built up a tolerance, so I took s'more, but then I just felt high an' I didn't want that, so I took s'more but that made it worse an' then I started crying an' that's when Frankie found me and made me throw them all up," he wiped his eyes, clearing the few tears that were threatening to fall again, "I really didn't mean to, like, fuck myself up, I jus' wanted it all to stop for a while. You understand that, righ'?"

Bert did understand, and it hurt. It was one of the worst feelings in the world, and he wouldn't wish it on anyone, least of all Gerard. Wanting to die without being dead was one of the most messed up feelings Bert had dealt with, and he couldn't imagine combining it with the frustration of the drugs not working how he wanted them to and the panic of an accidental overdose.

Bert sighed, watching the way Gerard's eyes searched his face for understanding.

"I do. I do understand," he sniffed, fighting the feeling to cry, "And it fucking _hurts_. And you don't deserve that, Gee," he leaned on the table, resting a hand on Gerard's arm, "You really don't."

Gerard frowned and sat up, his expression not reading as confusion, but as something more complex. Without a word, he turned his body to Bert and embraced him; he didn't seem to know where to put his hands for a few moments, deciding to place one arm around Bert's ribs and the other around his shoulder, working with the awkward sideways angle.

Bert didn't understand at first, but as soon as he realised Gerard was hugging him, he twisted around to hug him back, grasping far tighter to Gerard than Gerard was grasping to him.

He didn't know who needed the hug more, him or Gerard, but it didn't matter. The fact they needed each other in that moment was what mattered, and Gerard mattered the most.

Bert squeezed his eyes shut, his face pressed against Gerard's shoulder where he couldn't see him cry and tried to blink back the tears, while Gerard rested his head silently against Bert in return. Bert let go of the fistful of Gerard's shirt that he had hold of and gently stroked his hair instead, hoping that it would soothe him a little.

Neither of them wanted to move, but both of their backs were twisted in an awkward way, and soon Gerard let go of Bert and instead chose to just rest his head on the younger man's shoulder. Bert kept his arm around Gerard, not wanting to lose that contact now that he'd found it, and carried on stroking his hair. His eyes still felt damp with tears so he hung his head, letting his hair fall and block any view Gerard might have had of his face.

"You know," Gerard mumbled, "You don't deserve to feel bad, either. Like, hopeless."

Bert didn't reply, he couldn't. If he spoke, he'd cry; if he looked at Gerard, Gerard would see he was about to cry. Thankfully, Gerard didn't need a reply to keep talking.

"I know you've had shit things happen to you, but, like... You're still making something of yourself? And it's fucking awesome? And I really fucking look up to you for that, you know?"

Bert's heart fluttered, but he didn't let it show. Gerard probably had no idea what he was saying.

"I still use and abuse drugs. I'm not some miracle success story, Gee, we're both fucked up."

Gerard didn't reply, choosing instead to tilt his head back into Bert's hand, still stroking over his greasy hair.

In that moment, the atmosphere shifted from tense and sad to something calmer, and Bert let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding as he gently scratched at Gerard's scalp. His hand felt disgustingly grimy by this point but he didn't really care, so long as Gerard was sat there, happily leaning into his touch and against his side.

"Hey Gee?"

Gerard hummed in reply, his head lolling on Bert's shoulder.

"You want some coffee maybe? Help wake you up a bit?"

"'S that a good idea?"

"Probably, I know that if I've drunk too much coffee, benzo's don't work for me, so caffeine'll probably like, lessen the effect, right?"

"I guess so," Gerard shrugged, sitting up and leaning back on the table.

Bert took this as his queue to go and make coffee, wiping his hands down on his jeans and sliding out of his seat.

The MCR bus was almost identical to the Used's bus, having come from the same hire company, so Bert knew how to use the provided coffee maker. He brought him coffee and the occasional breakfast often enough to know how Gerard liked his coffee; black, no sugar, but not too strong. Bert liked his coffee with a tiny amount of milk, so he looked in the small fridge and hoped the others wouldn't mind him going through their cupboards.

 

After filling two mugs and topping up Gerard's with cold water, the two men sat in silence again, opposite one another this time. From here Bert could see how drowsy Gerard looked, his clothes really hanging off him, eyes heavy and face still pale.

Bert hated the silence, even though it was comfortable. He wanted to have a conversation but he had no idea where to start without it being forced.

"Bert?"

"Hm?" Bert looked up from the staring contest he was having with his coffee and found Gerard watching him curiously.

"You really didn't have to come here tonight."

He shrugged, "I'd have felt bad about it, and Ray would have gotten annoyed at me."

"But you literally don't care what people think. I've seen you bareface lie to fucking loads of people, including Jeph, so I know you wouldn't have a problem lying to Ray."

Bert scowled, hating how observant Gerard could be. He was a smart man with a brilliant mind, and it was hard to get anything past him without him noticing. And it was true; in the right mood, Bert could easily lie to anyone.

"So?"

"So what?" Bert shrugged, "I was staying at the bus tonight anyway, I'm not missing out."

Gerard rested his head on his hand and frowned, "Why were staying behind?"

"'Cause I..." he hesitated, realising how stupid and fake-sounding his reason was, "I had a sore throat."

"A sore throat?" Gerard snorted, his arm falling back in the table in disbelief, "That's fucking lame."

"Hey, I felt like I'd drank battery acid, it hurt."

"So why're you here? If you're sick, why're you looking after me?" Gerard pulled a sorry-looking face, "I should be looking after you."

"You're sicker than I am."

"No, you're sick, _I'm_ just a mess."

"No, Gerard, you are sick," Bert snapped, rubbing his forehead with frustration, " _I_ have a sore throat, _you_ have mental issues and you nearly fucking overdosed tonight, so shut the fuck up."

All Gerard did for a few long moments was blink, slow and confused, as he leaned back in his seat, his eyebrows creasing into a frown and his eyes glazing over with tears again.

His bottom lip began to tremble as he opened and closed his mouth, trying to find something to say back, but nothing came. Bert knew he'd been too harsh, but it was too late to take it back.

Gerard pressed his lips together and looked away, not quick enough for Bert to miss the tears in his eyes.

"Fine. I'll shut up."

"Gerard... Gee, I-I'm sorry," Bert reached for Gerard's hand across the table, but he moved his arms out of reach, "Gee, I just... Compared to you, I'm fine, and I _want_ to look after you."

Gerard look at him bitterly, tears still brimming on his waterline, and shrugged, "Why? There's nothing special about me."

Bert sighed and pressed his hands against his eyes as hard as he could, suppressing how annoyed he was at how dense Gerard was when he was on downers. He rubbed his eyes and pulled his hands down his cheeks, groaning loudly before dropping his arms back down onto the table and making Gerard flinch.

"Jesus Christ, are you fucking blind?"

"Can you... Not yell, please?"

"I'm not yelling!"

Gerard flinched again; Bert really had yelled that time, and he instantly regretted it when he saw the look on Gerard's face.

He got up from the table and walked over to the window opposite, pulling down the blind over the window and gripping the edge of the sideboard so tightly his knuckles and nails turned white. He breathed deeply, trying to calm down as he turned back. But as he spoke, his voice grew from a dangerously calm level to yet more yelling, unable to control his frustration.

"Gerard, you're probably the smartest fucking guy I know, so will you _please_ use your fucking brain and figure it out for yourself, 'cause I don't know if I have the guts to say it!"

As Bert panted, catching his breath from the sudden outburst, Gerard watched him wide-eyed and practically trembling. He was leaning away from Bert, like he was ready to scurry into the corner and out of harm’s way, the tears that had threatened to fall finally rolling down his cheeks as he slowly shook his head.

"I-I don't... I can't..." he started hyperventilating, Bert still frozen in place by the window, "I can't do this... I don't wanna be s... Where're... I need..."

Before Bert could process what he was muttering, Gerard was up and off down the bus to his bunk again. Bert bolted after him, finding him desperately trying to climb back into his bunk, crying out for the drugs that must have been hidden in there.

While Bert tried to restrain him, grabbing at his arms and trying to pull him back by his jeans, by his shirt, by his waist, screaming back at him over his crying, his heart was breaking. Seeing Gerard so scared, so desperate, so hysterical, was like no emotional pain he'd felt before. 'Heartbreaking' didn't even begin to describe what it was like to him, as Gerard writhed in his grip, screaming and wailing as he clawed at the edge of the bunk and at Bert's arms, trying to make him relinquish his hold. This wasn't what Bert had wanted, he hadn't meant to cause this and now he had no idea what to do. Gerard was bigger than he was, the drugs bringing him down a peg or two and making the struggle more evenly matched, but Bert still had to put all his strength into keeping Gerard from what he wanted.

He was straining so hard to keep his arms around Gerard, he didn't even notice the tears on his face, he barely realised what he was screaming back at Gerard, probably scaring him even more and making the desire to escape more urgent.

"Let me go! Let go, you're hurting me! I just need my pills!"

"I'm not letting you... You're not doing this, Gerard! Fucking... Stop fighting! Stop it!"

Gerard let out one more agonising scream as he threw his arm backwards, the added force of Bert trying to pull him back causing his forearm to fly at Bert's face, blinding him momentarily and making him lose his grip as Gerard lunged forwards.

He got a good hold of the edge of the bed and began hauling himself up, almost getting his leg into the bunk before Bert tore him away and pinned him to the opposite side of the narrow corridor by his upper arms. He wasn't about to go anywhere.

They were both sweating, both crying, both trying to catch their breath. Gerard was hysterical, though, his breaths coming like hiccups as he foughts against the tears, finally giving up and allowing himself to be pinned in place. Bert didn't trust him though, and made sure he was held fast, despite his own arms being exhausted.

"Bert, please," Gerard sobbed, his lip shaking as he looked at Bert, eyes pleading, "Just one, just lemme have one and I'll calm down, I won't take any more."

"No, Gerard! I'm not letting you do this! I said I'd look after you-"

"Why?" he yelled, "Why fucking bother? You've never given a fuck about the drugs before!"

"But I give a fuck about you!"

"Why? I'm nothing special-"

" _You're everything special to me_!"

 

The two of them stopped their shouting once they'd both realised what Bert had said. Gerard's face of anger and frustration dropped completely, looking at Bert in disbelief while he stared back, still fueled with the adrenaline that had come with admitting those words. There was silence for a few agonising seconds before either of them did anything.

Bert stepped forwards into the tiny space between him and Gerard, and kissed him. It wasn't forceful, it wasn't hard, it wasn't rough, it wasn't messy.

It was the most gentle, sweet, most perfect kiss he'd ever offered to another person.

Gerard let Bert kiss him. But he didn't kiss back.

 

As soon as he realised that Gerard was frozen on the spot, Bert pulled away. He steadied his breathing, looking at Gerard with trepidation, not knowing what to expect from him.

Gerard was watching him, the smallest of frowns creasing his forehead as his arms went limp in Bert's grip. Bert stepped away again, letting go of Gerard's arms and watching them fall limply to his sides, his body language unreadable, mute.

Regret flooded Bert's veins, his head feeling dizzy for a moment as he took another step back and ran a hand through his hair.

"I-I'm sorry. I'm... So sorry. I don’t know what I was thinking..."

He turned away, taking unsteady steps into the kitchen again, leaning against the wall as the hammering of his heart took over his mind til his head was pounding with every beat.

Now Bert noticed the tears on his face, including the new ones that were falling. He pulled at the collar of his t-shirt and wiped his face, willing himself to stop crying. He'd never felt more stupid, more humiliated, or more rejected in his life. After tonight, he didn't even know if he had any heart left to break.

He rubbed his hands over his face, like he was rubbing away the embarrassment, and sighed.

A few seconds later he felt Gerard's hand on his shoulder, and he had to steady himself as his head started to swim again.

"Bert... I-I'm sorry... I just-"

"No, you know what?" he turned around to face Gerard, losing all composure and starting to laugh, "It's fine. It's fucking _fine._ Just forget it- Actually, you'll forget it anyway. You always do, 'cause you're always off your motherfucking face."

"No... No, I don't alw-"

"I've told you. _So. Many Times._ " Bert smacked his hand, punctuating each word, "And every single time I get nothing. I tell you how much you fucking mean to me, and no matter if we're just drunk, or just high, you never fucking remember. And all that time building up to it, finding the courage and dealing with all that... All that anxiety, it's fucking wasted."

"Bert, listen just f-"

"No, listen to me," Bert gently took Gerard's face in his hands, cupping his cheeks and looking him in the eyes the all the sincerity he could muster, "I pray to fucking God that you're sober enough to remember what I've said, because I cannot handle doing this again, and... I can't handle us being so close if you're always gonna leave me in the cold like this."

Gerard stared back him with vacant seeming eyes, and the last scrap of hope Bert had died. He sighed, smiling sadly as he stroked a thumb over Gerard's cheekbone for the last time before taking his hands away.

 

His hands weren't even back down by his sides before Gerard grabbed him. One hand went straight to the back of his head, fingers tangling into his hair; the other was around the back of his neck, holding him in place.

It caught Bert off-guard, thinking that Gerard wouldn't respond at all. This was what he expected least of all.

"I said," Gerard started, his voice shaking but his tone staying steady, "Will you just listen to me for one minute."

Bert hesitated, his tongue flicking out to wet his suddenly dry lips before saying, "Okay."

Gerard opened his mouth to say something, but nothing came out. A few choked stammers and a desperate, searching look, but no words. Bert didn't know what to expect from Gerard, but at this point, anything was better than nothing.

Gerard gave up his search for something to say and closed his mouth. Bert couldn't say anything either. The space, or lack of, between them was tantalizing, suddenly too warm and too close.

Before either of them could move or try to say anything, Gerard pulled Bert towards him, connecting their lips in a kiss that was far harder and clumsier than the one Bert had given him, but ten times as passionate.

It took a moment for Bert to come to his senses, but his arms were soon wrapped around Gerard, pinning them together as he kissed back, finally feeling the electricity that had been missing when Gerard hadn't kissed back.

This was ensnaring, overpowering passion, more than their lazy make-outs before, more than any kiss Bert had had with anyone else. He could feel the difference in the air, he could feel the emotion and he knew this meant something more.

Gerard tilted his head, the hand he had in Bert's hair tightening and changing the angle for him as they melted against each other. Bert could feel his lips shake as he let them part, mirroring Gerard's movement as they pressed back into the kiss, surer this time as their lips slotted together seamlessly.

They pulled away from each other and Bert was reluctant to open his eyes, scared that if he did, he'd wake up from this incredible dream he was having.

He sniffed, feeling Gerard's hand on his face wiping away the fresh tears that were falling.

"Bert..."

He finally opened his eyes, blue meeting hazel, as Gerard watched him with a loving gaze.

"I didn't forget anything you said, you motherfucker," Gerard was crying too, but they seemed to be tears of joy, "But how the fuck was I supposed to act? I didn't really know if you were being serious or not, you're such a pervert sometimes," he laughed, sniffing back more tears, "But Jesus Christ I hoped you were being serious."

"Why didn't you say anything? Or do anything?"

"I'm off my face half the time, and terrified the rest. I didn't want to fuck everything up 'cause I'd rather have you as a friend than not at all."

"Gerard, oh my god," Bert sighed and pressed their foreheads together, looking him in the eyes, "You're the smartest motherfucker I know but sometimes you can be so fucking dumb."

He pressed forward and kissed Gerard again, the feeling familiar and new all at once. He never wanted to stop.

"Gee, you've gotta tell me... Everything I said, from all those times before. Do... Do you feel the same?"

"I remember it all," Gerard gushed, holding tightly to Bert's hair and talking between kisses, "I remember how sweet always are to me... And that I mean more to you than anyone else... How you tell me I'm more than an easy screw... I remember you calling me a hot mess... And that when you were feeling manic or like you wanna die... I make you feel normal... And fuck, I feel the the same... You feel like home."

Bert had no words, just overflowing, neverending, incommunicable emotion. He pulled Gerard as closes as he could to him and kissed him again, having no words to express what Gerard was making him feel. They kissed and stayed with their lips connected for as long as they could manage, lips parting, tongues touching, hands roaming and holding and gripping tightly to one another. Bert's heart was racing, the sensation of Gerard pressed against him making his stomach tighten and blood rush downwards from the sheer intensity of it all.

They broke apart, breathing heavily and still holding tightly to one another. Gerard looked into Bert's eyes, the spacey look gone and replaced with a lustful gaze behind heavy lids, the dark hazel holding a certain intensity that only made Bert want him more.

Bert took a deep breath and licked his lips, all too aware of how hot Gerard's body was against him, and it only made what he was about to say all the more difficult.

"Gee... I don't think now is the right time," he rested his forehead against Gerard's and shut his eyes, "I'm the only one of us who's sober, it wouldn't be right."

Gerard replied by nudging Bert's face upwards again, resting their noses side by side as their lips ghosted over one another's.

"You've never cared before," Gerard murmured, his hands sliding themselves back and forth over Bert's shoulders, around the back of his neck, up into his hair, never ceasing their movements.

"I have, I've always cared," he shook his head gently, "I've always just wanted you, none of the drugs."

"But wouldn't it be just the same if both of us were fucked up? We're never both gonna be sober at the same time..."

It was like the universe was testing what few morals Bert had left, testing to see if he'd deny what he'd wanted for so long but reward him for it later. He couldn't know if this would be their chance of something real, or the end of something that never really was. Bert didn't want to leave this as a what-if, a missed opportunity that only caused him pain and regret each time he saw Gerard from now til forever.

He looked up into Gerard's eyes and watched his pupils for a few moments, looking for any sign that the drugs were wearing off, hoping Gerard was more sober than he was letting on. It was hard to tell, the way Gerard was watching him made him nervous, his eyes in shadow and filled with something darker. He closed the space between him and Bert and, despite how his lips seemed to shake, kissed him sweetly for a second before willing Bert to part his lips and sneak his tongue inside.

In that moment, Bert's mind was made up for him.

He wound his fingers into Gerard's hair, holding him close and kissing him with as much gentle passion as he could without losing control of his urges. Gerard on the other hand seemed to have no desire to keep within any kind of boundaries. Slowly, he pulled away from Bert's lips and began kissing across his cheek and down over his jaw, eventually not even bothering to kiss as he mouthed lazily at Bert's neck, panting and running his tongue over the skin.

There was nothing Bert could do but let him, because he sure as hell wasn't about to stop him. Gerard's hands had moved now, one still around Bert's neck, the other holding tightly into his hip, fingers digging in like if he were to let go he would slip away. Bert was holding Gerard by his waist, but he wanted something more.

With his eyes shut as he enjoyed the feeling of Gerard licking and kissing his neck, Bert slid his hands down Gerard's side and back up underneath his shirt, finding soft, warm skin and smiling to himself.

As soon as he did this, Gerard stepped back and looked at Bert. He didn't seem annoyed, but he did seem uncertain. Bert went to move his hands completely but, upon seeing this, Gerard moved closer again, nervously looking between Bert and the space between them as he reached towards his shirt buttons. As he began to clumsily undo each one, Bert smirked and reached for his tie, sliding the knot loose before pulling Gerard in for another kiss.

As soon as his shirt was hanging loose and open, Gerard's hands went to the hem of Bert's t-shirt, lifting it up and over his torso. They were so close together and still so close to the kitchen cabinets that it was an awkward space to work in, but eventually Bert's head and arms were free and his craving for skin-on-skin contact with Gerard was almost satiated.

They were quickly back to grasping at each other as they made out, getting more furiously passionate, less controlled, and more desperate. Bert was holding tightly to Gerard's collar, keeping their chests pressed together as Gerard held onto Bert's belt. He began to slowly lead them backwards towards the table, both of them stumbling a little as they went, until the back's of Bert's thighs were pressed against the edge of the table top.

There was no way they could be any closer to one another now, they were pressed against each other so closely that it was clear that were were both hard, and it was almost dizzying for Bert.

This was so much more intimate than their fumbles before; it had always been clumsy, lazy, lustful but passionless. This was something entirely new, something deliberate, something with a dynamic, something more.

Gerard's hands moved around from Bert's belt, slowly grabbing his ass and squeezing while a smirk played on his lips. He couldn't help but gasp from the sensation, caught between surprise and pleasure as Gerard's mouth went to his neck again, licking and sucking but never biting. Bert relaxed back against the table, gripping tightly to Gerard's shirt as he leaned over him, hands still on his ass as he slowly nudged Bert's thighs apart with his knee.

The pressure was magnetising as Bert rolled his hips against Gerard, unable to resist or suppress the moan that escaped him. Gerard moaned back, removing his lips from Bert's skin and panting against his neck as he rolled his hips back. The two of them stood, rocking their hips together, grinding against each others thighs for a few long minutes, completely lost in the pleasure and each other. Bert's moans were rough and strangled as he tried to stay quiet, for fear someone outside would hear, but he revelled in Gerard's gasps and whimpers that caught in his throat as he stared down at their movements, like he was mesmerised.

Bert had wrapped one arm around the back of Gerards neck, threading his fingers into Gerard's hair as he leaned back on the table with his other arm, his legs becoming weak at the knees from everything he was feeling in that moment.

"Oh fuck... Gerard, c-can you, just..."

Gerard stopped and looked at Bert, lips parted as he breathed heavily, that dark look still in his eyes.

"Can I what?"

In the small space between them, Bert found enough room to push himself up onto the table, sitting on the edge with Gerard now stood between his knees. He grabbed Gerard's collar and pulled him close again as he growled, "Fucking touch me."

There was a moment of hesitation where Gerard just stared, like he was trying to gauge how serious Bert was, whether he really meant it. The next moment, their tongues were in each others mouths as Bert wrapped his legs around the backs of Gerard's thighs, Gerard's hand reaching down between the two of them and tugging at Bert's belt and zipper.

Before he lost all ability to think straight, Bert reached for Gerard's jeans too and undid them quickly, pulling them open and down just far enough to reach inside his underwear, just as Gerard did the same.

It was hot, electric, and Bert instantly rolled his hips up into Gerard's hand, moaning loudly again as he paused his own motions. He took a few seconds to just feel, to let Gerard touch him like he'd wanted, before returning the favour.

Gerard moaned too, his voice shaking, shoulders slumping, and his hand slowing down as he leaned on the table next to Bert's hip. He hung his head, moving closer to Bert and resting against his shoulder as he began stroking him again, their hands close enough that their knuckles brushed against each other with each stroke.

It was hard to keep any kind of pace as Bert's mind raced, his focus switching between the pleasure he was feeling, and the pleasure he wanted to make Gerard feel.

Soon, slowly, between the moans and the heat and teasing and kissing, they found a harmony. Every touch, every twist of the hand and flick of the wrist, every lip bite and twitch of the hips had a reaction, a moan and a touch in return, pushing them further to the edge and pulling them closer together. It was dirty and beautiful.

At some point, Bert had finally pushed Gerard's shirt off from his shoulders and was desperate to feel his soft skin under his fingers, wanted to lay on top of him and feel his heart beating against his chest. He couldn't though, there wasn't that kind of space in the bunks, so he settled for burying his face against Gerard's shoulder, breathing in the smell of sweat and sex. When he wasn't trying to satiate that need for touch, they were kissing; when they weren't kissing, they were panting against one another’s necks; when they weren't they were watching each other's hands.

It was too much and not enough, and it made Bert want to scream.

"Gerard... Oh fucking god... Talk to me," he gasped, "Tell me you want me."

"Of course I want you, oh shit... I've wanted you for so fucking long."

Bert pulled Gerard by the hair and looked him in the eyes, "Then tell me, please..."

Gerard watched his with his mouth hanging open for a moment, leaning forward and resting their heads together. Both their hands slowed their movements, the closeness and eye contact bringing a different kind of intensity now.

"I want you so fucking bad, Bert. _So_ bad... I want you more than just now, and more than just for a quick fuck, I want you more than a friend... _Fuck..._ I want you more than drugs," Gerard was shaking now, from the comedown, from the pleasure, and from the fear of admitting it all. He sucked in another breath as Bert stroked him, twisting his hand as he did just to get a reaction, and a shiver ran through his body as he sighed, "Fucking hell, I love you."

Bert was so lost in Gerard's words and the pleasure that he had to catch himself before he said he loved Gerard too.

His heart seemed to stop for a second as he realised what Gerard had said, but Gerard didn't even flinch. As he went to kiss Bert, Bert pulled away, taking back his hands and leaning back on the table, staring at Gerard in disbelief.

"Wh... Bert?"

"What did you just say?"

Gerard stopped stroking Bert and stammered for a second, mouth opening and closing like a fish until he managed to say, "I said... I said I love you," he frowned and moved away a little, "I-I'm sorry, was that too-"

"Don't apologise, just fucking kiss me."

Bert pulled his by his hair again and smashed their lips together, kissing him with such fierceness it hurt, but he had no words, no way to tell or show Gerard what he was feeling.

They broke apart and Gerard gasped, "Holy fuck."

"I love you too, you motherfucker," Bert panted, still with his hand tightly fisted in Gerard's hair, "I want you in every single fucking way."

Gerard didn't reply, he just kissed him, less ferocity, more affection. Like Bert had hold his his hair, Gerard reached up and placed a hand on Bert's cheek, the other hand cradling the back on his head. As heated as everything had been moments ago, and as much of a mess as Gerard was, this was pure sweetness.

Bert never knew that a kiss could feel like love, like a new emotion. It was calm amongst the chaos; the eye of the storm that was this night, this tour, his life.

It didn't last for long though, as the longer they kissed the more desperate they got for each other’s touch, and they were quickly back to moaning against each other’s skin as they got each other off.

Gerard's breathing was heavy as his whole body shook, not paying so much attention to(?) touching Bert now he'd given himself over to the way Bert was touching him. Bert's hand was hot and tight and slick now, allowing him to roll his hips and thrust into his gentle grip.

Bert was mesmerised by everything about him, the way his hips moved, the sounds he was making, the way his face contorted and switched between frustration and ecstasy as his eyes rolled up inside his head, kiss-swollen lips parted as he panted and moaned.

"Oh fuck. Oh f... Bert, Jesus Christ," he moaned, hanging his head and looking at Bert though his lashes, "I'd fuck you through the mattress if could, you know that?"

Heat rushed through Bert's body, and he immediately wanted nothing more than that.

"I'd fucking let you."

Gerard smirked and leaned in, catching Bert's lips in a dirty open mouthed kiss. It was lazy and wet and made Bert's head spin, the hand he had wrapped around Gerard speeding up and making him whine.

Gerard broke away and started breathing harder, his hips twitching and losing all rhythm.

Without warning, his orgasm hit, spilling over Bert's hand and onto his stomach and jeans. He didn't curse, just moaned, low and strangled and broken as his hips stuttered slowed to a halt.

He leaned against the table, hovering over Bert, as he caught his breath. His hair was stuck to his face, eyes closed, arms and legs shaking as he held himself up; Bert thought he was beautiful, and had never been more turned on.

He gently took his hand away from Gerard, cum dripping over his palm, and instead started stroking himself, getting off on the way Gerard looked in front of him; flushed, dirty, and debauched.

"God, you're like a fucking wet dream," Bert growled through gritted teeth, stroking himself faster as Gerard looked up at him. He seemed to still be riding the high of his orgasm, eyes heavy-lidded and smile weak but genuine. Even though he seemed weak and relaxed, he surprised Bert but pulling his head back by his hair and kissing him again. As they kissed, he slid a hand up Bert's thigh, taking hold of Bert's wrist and moving his hand away, taking control as he wrapped his fingers around Bert and took over stroking this length.

Bert leaned back with his elbows on the table, watching Gerard touch him, his hips rolling up into his hand out of natural instinct.

As close as he was to cumming, and as badly as he needed it, he never wanted this to end, he wanted to stay here in this bus on this night with Gerard forever.

He tipped his head back, screwing his eyes shut as Gerard twisted his hand around his length, moaning and lifting his hips off the table. With his eyes closed and his face turned away, he couldn’t see what Gerard was about to do, but he couldn’t help but curse loudly as Gerard took him into his mouth.

The wet heat was unexpected and incredible and shoved him dangerously close to the edge, his head snapping back up fast enough to give him whiplash as he watched Gerard slowly bob his head.

"Holy shit, holy _shit_..."

Bert couldn't find any other words, his head spinning and voice strangled as his lower stomach tightened, everything being split into feeling and seeing, condensed down to pleasure, heat, and a need for satisfaction as he watched Gerard.

He couldn't offer any warning other than a choked moan as his hips bucked erratically, thighs shook, and he came in Gerard's mouth. As the waves rippled through his body, behind his eyelids he was seeing stars, his mind was blank and the only thing he could comprehend was the fact he had never felt this good, this blissfully incredible in all his life.

 

 

It was a few long seconds before Bert came back to his sense. He was laying flat on his back on the table now, his arms having given out beneath him as some point, and his chest rose and fell rapidly as he caught his breath. Gerard had moved, laying himself over Bert's torso, his head resting over Bert's heart and his hands cradling the sides of his body. He was warm, the places where their skin touched sticking from the heat, like they were fusing together into one being. He was soft, his chest and stomach having a comfortable weight to them as he blanketed Bert. Gerard's pale body was beautiful, tiny faded stretch marks catching silver in the dull yellow lights. His hair lay on Bert's stomach in greasy little tendrils, but it was sort of like a picture in the way one might draw each individual lock of hair with its own white highlight with layers of the same locks beneath.

After a short while of lying in comfortable silence, Gerard moved to look up at Bert, his cheek still resting on Bert's chest as he smiled. Bert felt the movement and propped himself up on his elbows, looking down and, seeing the blissful smile on Gerard's face, smiled too. He sat up, forcing Gerard to stand up again, and wordlessly moved closer to him, wrapping his arms around Gerard's middle and resting his head against his shoulder.

Everything felt different. Not just the sex, but they way he felt on the inside, the way he felt now, now that there wasn't any lust or urgency. Gerard felt different with his arms wrapped around his shoulders, holding him close. The room felt different, the energy wasn't a strange, sweaty, sex-stench filled atmosphere, it was an energy of change, a shift in the world, the kind of energy one feels in a place of importance.

Suddenly, that shift reached Bert's heart. He felt the change, and the weight of Gerard's words and his words and the weight of everything hit him, falling out of the air on top of him and having an effect like pain.

Silently, Bert's usual stoic exterior cracked and his eyes misted up, tears prickling and stinging. Any other time, he'd hide it, sniff them back and blink them away and pretend he didn't feel a thing, but Gerard made him feel everything.

A tear slowly started making its way down his cheek, and then another from the other eye, rolling until it met the crease that had formed between Bert's skin and Gerard's.

Gerard didn't react to this, but Bert wasn't scared for him to see. If tonight was the night to bare his heart to Gerard, then he was going to do it completely.

He moved away, looking up into Gerard's face and, despite the tears, smiled. Gerard was smiling already but once he saw that Bert was crying, his face fell.

"Wh... Why're you crying?" He took a gentle hold of Bert's face, brushing away a tear with his thumb.

"I don't... I'm just feeling a lot right now."

Gerard's small nervous smile returned as he brought their foreheads together, closing his eyes and sighing softly.

"So did you really mean it?"

Bert knew what he was asking about, and replied, "Did you?"

"Of course. I don't know if I'm still high or not, but I know that I mean it."

"Well I mean it too," Bert moved his face a little closer, resting his nose beside Gerard's, their lips close enough to touch as he spoke, "And I think I've felt it for a while but you've just been so... So closed off? And I didn't want to accept that was how I feel about you while I still had so many doubts."

"You don't have to doubt me anymore," Gerard replied, his voice barely above a whisper as he trailed his fingers over Bert's back, sending goosebumps rippling over his skin.

"I won't."

The small space between their lips was closed in a kiss that was soft, gentle, and sweet, and lingering. Another tear fell as Bert smiled, his arms tightening around Gerard as he pulled himself a little closer.

"So," Gerard asked, sounding apprehensive and they broke apart, foreheads still together, still wrapped in each other's arms, "What do we do now? Do... Do we tell people?"

"I... I don't know. Maybe," he bunched up his shoulders a little, "I think we should wait 'til the tour is over. It could way too easily get out, and it's not like people aren't already talking about us."

Gerard laughed, smiling widely and running his hands down Bert's back, "That'll be my fault for putting you in the album credits like I did."

Bert laughed too, thinking back over recording the song and how it should have been so obvious then that they were going to be so much more than friends.

"And the Fuse interview... How the fuck haven't we got to this point before?"

"'Cause we've always had girlfriends when we've been screwing around," Gerard reasoned, trying to sound matter of fact without letting the guilt show, but it didn't work, "It just... Never seemed like something that could be serious, I guess."

"I don't know how," Bert swept some hair from Gerard's face, running his fingers through the matted black strands, "You were on my mind more than they were. I was always trying to spend as much time with you as I could, I was fucking blind about it for months though, but..." he sighed, shaking his head a little and looking Gerard in the eye, "Fuck, you make me happy. Like, actually happy."

Gerard looked away, seeming bashful before responding simply, "You make me happy too."

Silence fell again, a grin spreading across Bert's face as he watched Gerard shy away, becoming embarrassed. They were both sober now, it seemed, and Gerard was reverting back to his true, sweet, honest self and it was beautiful.

As Gerard straightened up and looked down behind him, looking for his shirt, Bert held him tighter, not letting him slip away just yet.

"You're gorgeous, you know," Bert smirked, wrapping his legs back around Gerard's thighs and making sure he couldn't wriggle free, "Like, you're all soft and I'm super fucking into it."

Gerard smirked and shoved at his shoulders, then folded his arms across his chest, "No one's into fat guys, stop fucking around."

"You're not fat! I said you're soft," Bert defended himself, letting go of Gerard's middle and bringing his hands down to his hips, sliding them round to grab his ass, "But I'll admit you fill out those jeans very nicely."

Gerard rolled his eyes and started trying to escape Bert's hold, but Bert protested, "No, no! Hey, come on, I'll be serious. I'll be serious, okay?"

He sighed and stopped squirming, looking down at Bert and waiting expectantly.

"I am seriously into you. You make me happy and you're fucking hot and," he couldn't help but smile, "I am really fucking excited for us."

"Us?"

"Yeah, us. You said we don't date, so let's fucking date. The whole hog, fucking movies and sharing milkshakes and long walks on the beach and shit, all the fucking cliches."

Gerard was beaming by this point, a pure, honest, sober smile and it made Bert's heart swell to know that they were both so happy in that moment.

"You know, if we're gonna wait to tell people, I'm gonna have a real fucking hard time hiding it," he slung his arms around Bert's shoulders and smiled, "The guys are gonna notice it so quickly."

"Like they haven't notice before? I'm pretty sure they knew before we did."

Gerard pondered this for a second, lips twisting to one side then stretching back into a smile as he gazed down at Bert.

"Out of all the crazy messed up shit I've done, letting myself love you might be the craziest."

"It's definitely the riskiest, but I don't care. We're living hard and fast, Gee, we don't know what time we've got but I know I wanna spend my time with you."

Gerard's look softened and he tilted his head to one side, watching Bert with a new kind of emotion in his eyes, something like pride or admiration or a sudden new understanding. Something like that, but still something that he couldn't pinpoint.

"Do you wanna watch a film or something? We can order pizza too?"

Bert chuckled, "Are you asking me on a date?"

He laughed, "Yeah, sure, why not. I'm asking you on a date."

Bert hopped down from the table suddenly, pulling his pants back up and zipping up his jeans, before grabbing Gerard's face and kissing him hard and fast, "Of course I'll go on a date with you. But one condition."

"What's that?" Gerard grinned, picking up his shirt from the floor and turning away as he buttoned it up.

Bert wrapped his arms around Gerard from behind, holding him gently as he asked, "We go to my bus? Away from your pills?"

Gerard's body tensed up momentarily, relaxing against Bert a few seconds later as he nodded, "Okay. Okay, sure."

Bert rested his chin on Gerard's shoulder, having the crane his neck a little, "You know it's for the best. I only want the best for you."

"I know, a-and I really appreciate it," he turned back around in Bert's hold, placing his arms around his shoulders, "I need someone to care about me like you do. I-I just... Yeah. A-And I... I love you."

Bert sighed and brought their heads together again, smiling as he looked up into Gerard's face, "I love you, too."

He had nothing more to say than that, as it was all he was feeling as he looking into Gerard's eyes. The words fit together so easily it was a wonder he hadn't come out and said it before, but this must have been how things had to happen for them; through drugs and tears and fucking.

They could pretend to be normal now though, at least for a little while.

 

 

 


End file.
